Monday 30 March 2009

Mother of the World

I'm itemising this post as a) I feel guilty for not updating for a while b) its quicker and I;m pressed for time.

1) I have started playing Russian Billiards as part of my weekly activities. It is amazing. It is solid. I'm probably the worst player in the hall but I dont care because I can't get enough of it.

2) In fact, we were supposed to go ice-fishing yesterday (alot more boring than it sounds, depends on the amount of vodka you drink) but the weather was too bad so we went to Billiards instead. and then ice cream at my mates house.

3) On Friday night I went to the sauna with a load of Finns. It was good. I mean, I drank too much, ate lots of salty snacks and then dehydrated myself and then went swimming so its all good. I can safely say that if you ever think you want to try getting more drunk that seems feasibly possible, this is definitely the method. The sauna had both kareoke and a 'relaxation room' (SEX ROOM). It was also decorated in the manner of a tropical paradise.

4) We also went to a 'blues' gig last week. It was actually pretty good, like, for Russia. 'Blues' in the sense that it was 'blues rock' in the sense that it was generic American hard rock. But still it was pretty good, had a chat to the singer after as he knows a former teacher of mine and he wanted to meet some foreign people. We really are a tasty dish, us foreigners.

5) Watched a film called 'Brat Dva'/Brother 2 last night, which concerns two brothers from a tiny village outside Moscow, who become entwined in dark dealings after their army service. Then their friend, a hockey player, goes to America to make his fortune, but they don't pay the transfer fee or something, so these two brothers go to America to get the money.

I may mention now that these two brothers are in fact hired killers in the mid-90s, and subsequently manage to get into all sorts of stereotypical situations exposing the Russian concept of both the national soul and the evilness of America. The guy that I live with, Sasha, pointed out to me that everyone in America is either about a)money or b) black. And thats not a good thing according to Sasha, who sincerely believes that black people (thats the race known as black people) should live in Africa, whilst Russians live in Russia and English people live in England. They're also all gangsters and crackheads apparently.

However, the best moment of the film was when the younger brother manages to get run over by a rich black woman, who then takes him back to her flat to fix him up. It turns out she's a famous TV presenter, and she's in a hurry, so she leaves him in her flat. Anyway, when she comes home and he's still there, he takes the opportunity to sex her hard.

At which point, Sasha turned to me (bearing in mind that we're currently in the midst of the great Race debate) and says "What do you like more, Tommy, black or white?" And I'm like, "What? Like girls? I don't know really" to which he responds "No, Tom. Semechki."
And he cracks up, and I crack up, and we both laugh for like 5 minutes.

"What are 'semeichki'?" You may ask. Well - semeichki are seeds that you eat, they're really popular in Russia, like crisps or nuts (also popular), and you get black ones and white ones. And we'd been eating quite alot of semeichki all the way through the film, so it was great fun all around.

Monday 16 March 2009

Sometimes I wish we were an eagle.





The pictures are of the following - outside the back of a 'trolleybus' on a very nice day, behind you can see a 'marshrutnoye taksi/marshrutka', Petrozavodsk on a sunny day (side street where I play football with middle-aged men who may or may not use prostitutes occasionally, and my friend Joe outside Lenta supermarket.

Well, for those of you who were wondering how the HIV test went. It went well. I mean it took 3 there-and-back trips to get it sorted. But it worked out in the end.

Also have been to the bank this morning to pay for my visa. Due to the fact that I am actually Russian, I realised that, differing from England where I might give far too much information in the hope of helping the cashier, I simply need to slip the half-filled form through the thingymajig to the cashier.

And it worked, because it only took 5 quick minutes instead of the 5 dreadful, horrific minutes I was expecting when she asked me why I hadn't put my account details etc. Result. Although I initially did go to the wrong office, but they told me to go next door. Which I did.

On Friday I also went to the photo-shop to get some more photos for my visa-extension, and as it turns out, they are actually complete fuck-ups. Explanation as follows:

1) When I got home on Friday afternoon, I realised they'd only given me 2 photos, instead of the 4 I'd asked for.
2) They did them glossy, when I'd expressly requested MATTE photographs.

It's really not my fault as I thought they'd understood when I said 'Four' and 'Matte' in Russian.
And they said they understood.

They didn't. Why did they say they did, when they didn't. I mean, why lie? Just say you don't understand, it's fine, I'll say it as many times as I have to, to make myself understood.

Well, 'nechevo' as they say here 'doesn't matter/nothing/ok'.

The weekend however was fairly uneventful, apart from the fact that I've started playing football in yet another very Soviet-feeling sports hall with pictures of smiling Railway employees and faded Olympic signs.

I'm currently reading the following; Hard Times (FACTS!), Catch 22 (yet again, its even funnier this time) and Gogol's 'The Nose' in Russian. Which is solid by the way. Absolutely fucking solid.
Also - you can text me/ring me if you wish, however for that you need to either a) email me or b)facebook me for the details. I'll also say that there may be postcards soon, because I've been spurred on by recent adminstrative successes to tackle that fortress, that bastion of cold-shoulderness - THE POST OFFICE!
So if you'd kindly send me an address, then you may well receive a postcard.
xx



Tuesday 10 March 2009

whats that?

its only -3. well, thats according to the lying sign in the centre of town, which constantly says thats its warmer than it is. we actually have a game where we guess what 'megafon' (telephone provider) will say.
yeah, we're that cool.

weekend has been fairly intense. there was extreme 'gosti' (going to eachothers houses and drinking and eating all at the same time) from saturday to sunday. on saturday we went to this Italian girls house. she actually lives in the Petrozavodsk ghetto 'Kluchevaia'. where coincidentally one of the lads who I live with got punched in the face last week. people there are less smiley than usual, and thats fair enough, because they've not got anything to fucking smile about as they live in a shithole.

and then on sunday, it was International Woman's Day, a festival only celebrated in the CIS, where men for one day a year pretend to give a shit about their wives, girlfriends, sisters and other female relatives, female co-workers and generally anybody with a vagina. to show this, they may in fact treat them as equals, or maybe just give them flowers, vases, perfume, make-up, jewellry as these are the only items that women will ever, ever want to receive as presents.

to celebrate this momentous day in the Petrozavodsk social calendar, we had a mass family piss-up which started at 3 and ended at around 12. I can proudly say that I lasted only about 4-5 hours before passing out. Why the approximation? (you may ask). Well I know this because at about 7pm I apparently tried to ring Cuba, and then I remember nothing. I'm actually a bit gutted about this because apparently around 8-9pm they started dancing, and I fucking missed it. It was brilliant, my liver doesn' agree, but still.

Unfortunately, its Big Sasha's birthday on Friday.

And then Sergei's.

And then Dennis'.

Literally, I'm quite sure the world is going to end next week when there are three separate birthday parties for members of the house.

I've also been to the HIV clinic. Its quite easy to find actually, its only a random green door down a back street on other side of town. Unfortunately, they couldnt actually test me this morning as they only do that from 3-5, whereas from 9-12 you can pay your fee (R510). I think I'm probably just used to Russia, but literally, the place is a dive.

xxx
love