Mother of the World

I'm itemising this post as a) I feel guilty for not updating for a while b) its quicker and I;m pressed for time.

1) I have started playing Russian Billiards as part of my weekly activities. It is amazing. It is solid. I'm probably the worst player in the hall but I dont care because I can't get enough of it.

2) In fact, we were supposed to go ice-fishing yesterday (alot more boring than it sounds, depends on the amount of vodka you drink) but the weather was too bad so we went to Billiards instead. and then ice cream at my mates house.

3) On Friday night I went to the sauna with a load of Finns. It was good. I mean, I drank too much, ate lots of salty snacks and then dehydrated myself and then went swimming so its all good. I can safely say that if you ever think you want to try getting more drunk that seems feasibly possible, this is definitely the method. The sauna had both kareoke and a 'relaxation room' (SEX ROOM). It was also decorated in the manner of a tropical paradise.

4) We also went to a 'blues' gig last week. It was actually pretty good, like, for Russia. 'Blues' in the sense that it was 'blues rock' in the sense that it was generic American hard rock. But still it was pretty good, had a chat to the singer after as he knows a former teacher of mine and he wanted to meet some foreign people. We really are a tasty dish, us foreigners.

5) Watched a film called 'Brat Dva'/Brother 2 last night, which concerns two brothers from a tiny village outside Moscow, who become entwined in dark dealings after their army service. Then their friend, a hockey player, goes to America to make his fortune, but they don't pay the transfer fee or something, so these two brothers go to America to get the money.

I may mention now that these two brothers are in fact hired killers in the mid-90s, and subsequently manage to get into all sorts of stereotypical situations exposing the Russian concept of both the national soul and the evilness of America. The guy that I live with, Sasha, pointed out to me that everyone in America is either about a)money or b) black. And thats not a good thing according to Sasha, who sincerely believes that black people (thats the race known as black people) should live in Africa, whilst Russians live in Russia and English people live in England. They're also all gangsters and crackheads apparently.

However, the best moment of the film was when the younger brother manages to get run over by a rich black woman, who then takes him back to her flat to fix him up. It turns out she's a famous TV presenter, and she's in a hurry, so she leaves him in her flat. Anyway, when she comes home and he's still there, he takes the opportunity to sex her hard.

At which point, Sasha turned to me (bearing in mind that we're currently in the midst of the great Race debate) and says "What do you like more, Tommy, black or white?" And I'm like, "What? Like girls? I don't know really" to which he responds "No, Tom. Semechki."
And he cracks up, and I crack up, and we both laugh for like 5 minutes.

"What are 'semeichki'?" You may ask. Well - semeichki are seeds that you eat, they're really popular in Russia, like crisps or nuts (also popular), and you get black ones and white ones. And we'd been eating quite alot of semeichki all the way through the film, so it was great fun all around.

Sometimes I wish we were an eagle.

The pictures are of the following - outside the back of a 'trolleybus' on a very nice day, behind you can see a 'marshrutnoye taksi/marshrutka', Petrozavodsk on a sunny day (side street where I play football with middle-aged men who may or may not use prostitutes occasionally, and my friend Joe outside Lenta supermarket.

Well, for those of you who were wondering how the HIV test went. It went well. I mean it took 3 there-and-back trips to get it sorted. But it worked out in the end.

Also have been to the bank this morning to pay for my visa. Due to the fact that I am actually Russian, I realised that, differing from England where I might give far too much information in the hope of helping the cashier, I simply need to slip the half-filled form through the thingymajig to the cashier.

And it worked, because it only took 5 quick minutes instead of the 5 dreadful, horrific minutes I was expecting when she asked me why I hadn't put my account details etc. Result. Although I initially did go to the wrong office, but they told me to go next door. Which I did.

On Friday I also went to the photo-shop to get some more photos for my visa-extension, and as it turns out, they are actually complete fuck-ups. Explanation as follows:

1) When I got home on Friday afternoon, I realised they'd only given me 2 photos, instead of the 4 I'd asked for.

2) They did them glossy, when I'd expressly requested MATTE photographs.

It's really not my fault as I thought they'd understood when I said 'Four' and 'Matte' in Russian.
And they said they understood.

They didn't. Why did they say they did, when they didn't. I mean, why lie? Just say you don't understand, it's fine, I'll say it as many times as I have to, to make myself understood.

Well, 'nechevo' as they say here 'doesn't matter/nothing/ok'.

The weekend however was fairly uneventful, apart from the fact that I've started playing football in yet another very Soviet-feeling sports hall with pictures of smiling Railway employees and faded Olympic signs.

I'm currently reading the following; Hard Times (FACTS!), Catch 22 (yet again, its even funnier this time) and Gogol's 'The Nose' in Russian. Which is solid by the way. Absolutely fucking solid.

Also - you can text me/ring me if you wish, however for that you need to either a) email me or b)facebook me for the details. I'll also say that there may be postcards soon, because I've been spurred on by recent adminstrative successes to tackle that fortress, that bastion of cold-shoulderness - THE POST OFFICE!

So if you'd kindly send me an address, then you may well receive a postcard.

xx

whats that?

its only -3. well, thats according to the lying sign in the centre of town, which constantly says thats its warmer than it is. we actually have a game where we guess what 'megafon' (telephone provider) will say.
yeah, we're that cool.

weekend has been fairly intense. there was extreme 'gosti' (going to eachothers houses and drinking and eating all at the same time) from saturday to sunday. on saturday we went to this Italian girls house. she actually lives in the Petrozavodsk ghetto 'Kluchevaia'. where coincidentally one of the lads who I live with got punched in the face last week. people there are less smiley than usual, and thats fair enough, because they've not got anything to fucking smile about as they live in a shithole.

and then on sunday, it was International Woman's Day, a festival only celebrated in the CIS, where men for one day a year pretend to give a shit about their wives, girlfriends, sisters and other female relatives, female co-workers and generally anybody with a vagina. to show this, they may in fact treat them as equals, or maybe just give them flowers, vases, perfume, make-up, jewellry as these are the only items that women will ever, ever want to receive as presents.

to celebrate this momentous day in the Petrozavodsk social calendar, we had a mass family piss-up which started at 3 and ended at around 12. I can proudly say that I lasted only about 4-5 hours before passing out. Why the approximation? (you may ask). Well I know this because at about 7pm I apparently tried to ring Cuba, and then I remember nothing. I'm actually a bit gutted about this because apparently around 8-9pm they started dancing, and I fucking missed it. It was brilliant, my liver doesn' agree, but still.

Unfortunately, its Big Sasha's birthday on Friday.

And then Sergei's.

And then Dennis'.

Literally, I'm quite sure the world is going to end next week when there are three separate birthday parties for members of the house.

I've also been to the HIV clinic. Its quite easy to find actually, its only a random green door down a back street on other side of town. Unfortunately, they couldnt actually test me this morning as they only do that from 3-5, whereas from 9-12 you can pay your fee (R510). I think I'm probably just used to Russia, but literally, the place is a dive.

xxx
love

hey kids i'm back

word yo from petrozavodsk (again).

I've only been here a week, but I've fitted straight back in. well apart from the time that the minivan/marshrutka driver called me a pussy boy because I couldnt open the door (it was a bit broken, in my defence).

its seriously snowing here, and its been like -14 I think. have been on top of a frozen lake, indeed the 2nd largest lake in Europe. so put that it in your pipe of boasts and smoke it.

apart from that, I haven't really much to report. have already been out a few times, have been accosted as well in a supermarket cafe by a man with few teeth. he proceeded to claim that my friend was a) not English (he is) and then that b) he was a gyspy. Not the first time that a drunk Russian has assumed that Nat is of inferior origin (he was offered out once because this guy thought he was Georgian).

We've just had a bank holiday, which made a nice 3 day weekend ('Defence of the Fatherland Day', formerly 'All-Russia Soviet Armed Forces Day'). Other than that, I'm going for yet another HIV test this week, which should prove to be a far less pleasant experience than before in England. This isn't however for my own personal amusement, but for the amusement of The Republic of Karelia, who in their adminstrative wisdom have declared that all foreign students who wish to extend their stay, need to take a HIV test. Nevermind the fact that you need a test to enter the fucking country, you need to prove that you havent managed to catch it in your stay too. Ejits.

Kisses to the few who read this.

I know - I've neglected you in the past but...

Sorry folks. I know I havent been updating but I've found that I no longer require the internet full stop so..

Only joking.

Things;

1)Went to the Finnish border about a month ago to a place called Sortavala. Except, we didnt go to the town (which is apparently full of drug addicts and whores according to my host), no, we actually went to a former quarry!

Thats right kids, a former quarry, the stone of which was actually used to build 'parts' of petersburg. Indeed, parts! It was actually kind of interesting, seeing the big pond etc, and at the end we got to go on rowing boats around it. What wasnt cool was the 8 hour round trip there and back on what Russians call 'roads'.

However, I had a beer at the roadside cafe and everything was fine. I even visited a Finnish Lutheran Church which was under construction where they gave us tea and a cake for 2 quid.

2) I went out last week and met the man of my dreams. He's Swedish, bald, goateed, and called Jasper. Literally, we could not stop looking in eachother's eyes. We went to Petrozavodsk's premier club, Club FM, where we drank too much and danced to questionable music.

The next day, I decided that I was so hungover that a pizza was required, and arranged to meet a friend in town. I go to the bus stop, minding my own business waiting for the number one, when suddenly a pissed 50-odd-year old man approaches me and asks something in russian. I believe he asked for a lighter. I did not have such an item.

At which point, confusion ensued. He proceeds to rabbit off in Russian, and starts to get angry. I repeat the fact that I dont have a lighter and move off to the other end of the bus stop slowly.
He takes this well, or so I thought. 15 seconds later, he's wandering around drunkly and stuff and then what I think is by accident, knocks into me. I ask him if he's ok.

He chooses not to reply, and then keeps on falling into me again and again. I go and stand at the other of the bus stop, starting to get worried. Pissed old man stumbles over to me again, and proceeds to start charging at me with his head. I'm quite confused at this point and theres no one else at the bus stop apart from this girl who really really really doesnt want to know.

The 'head charging' stops and regains his balance and stands next to me. He then punches me in the stomach. Not very hard, mind you, but noticeable.

The epiphany then approaches with all the Joycean hallmarks. It appears he wants to have a fight, and all this 'foreplay' has been leading up to this moment.

At which point, I walk away down Chapaeva (a really big road) to the next bus stop as I'm now very worried. About 20 metres down, I look back again and he's stumbling into a taxi. Good, I think, he's going to fuck off home.

10 seconds later, the taxi pulls up 10 yards in front of me and the pissed guy gets out and shouts at me 'Idi Syuda!!!!!!' (literally, come (informal imperative) here (accusative form of here)).

I then decide that its time to run as obviously its not going to end well if I 'idi cyuda' for him. I run across chapaeva (its like a fucking dual-carriageway) over to my neck of the woods and towards 'my' kiosk, believing that a)everything will be alright when I'm on home turf b)he'll probably not be able to keep up with me(not that I'm fast, I'm just not pissed).

But no, he follows me, over fucking Chapaeva and down the road towards my particular dom. I'm running down one of the main roads of Petrozavodsk during the day with a pissed 50 year old following me. After about 30 seconds of running, I look back, and he's disappeared.

I go back to the bus stop, and get on the bus into town. End of.

I'm back in 15 days, and I'm going for a fucking curry.

christ.

the past week = mental.
so we'll start at the start.

Last Friday, we meet as usual in the park by the lake for good times. We play charades with the Russians. Hilarity ensues. It is as normal.

But then, at 11 o'clock, my friend Izzy gets a call from her newly-adopted mother asking if she wants to go to Petersburg tomorrow morning. I am also invited. We drunkenly say yes. Go home about 1, off my tits etc.

6 am next day I get a call 'Tom are you still coming to SPB? We're going now.'
Still halfcut, I say yes. Meet family in car fucked off tits. We go to Piter in the Qashqai.


5 hours later we arrive in the suburbs. What was the plan, you may ask. Taking in some of the world renowned sights of Petersburg? The northern bridge between Asia and Europe supposedly... Peter the Great's European masterpiece, which houses some of the world's treasures in art and what not.... Oh no. We went shoppping in the suburbs. We went to Ikea. In Russia. In Petersburg. Pissed out of my face.

So we arrive, and me and Izzy are taken to a fairly big mall. I mean, like I didnt think malls were bigger than this. And we shop. Went to an underground market thing. At about 12, we're by a kiosk and Sasha suddenly has a brain wave. Goes to the kiosk and comes back with 4 cans of gin and tonic. He has a small one, he's driving.

Then its decided that we want to go to the really really really big mall. So we take the free bus. However, in the crush (serious crush) to get on the bus, someone nicks my phone out my pocket. Essentially, I was pickpocketed. Yes, thats right. I was pickpocketed. It happened to me.

Luckily, the little shit only took my phone. So it's all gravy.

We arrive at the huge mall. And we go to IKEA. And then we get more drink and get told off by the security guard for drinking on the premises. And then we shop more, get some provisions and set off home at 7.

About half-way there, it is decided that its time to eat. So we get out of the car, in the middle of a forest. In Russia. And I make a toast to friendship in Russian whilst drinking 'cognac'. Also told a joke, which they loved (mainly the swearing).

The next day, I'm taken to the megafon office to get a new sim card, phone etc. Then we go back to theirs and carry on drinking. It is decided that me and their currently absent son, Sergei, who's currently in the army, will be great friends. Also that me and Sasha are playing football soon, and that we are going for a haircut as well (mullet).




Last night, me and Izzy are walking back to the perevalka (where we live) and who pulls up just as we're getting to hers but Sasha and Marianna Petrovna. I am instantly invited inside (despite the fact I want to go home) and we start drinking this cognac that Sasha's bought.

4 drinks later, we've finished the bottle. So me and Sasha go the supermarket to get more. But we dont just get more cognac, we get cognac, balsam (their local drink), more salad and massive tub of ice cream. And we get home via the mobile dance party that is their Nissan Qashqai, and carry on. Bearing in mind the fact that I've had 2 days off uni from a cold, I was fairly drunk by this point. At 11 however, the fun stops because Izzy was going to Petersburg again, and therefore needed to be taken to the station. I'm walked home by Sasha with the dog, Hilary.

However, this morning I felt amazing. Tomorrow, haircut.

what the deuce/