Sunday 16 November 2008

I know - I've neglected you in the past but...

Sorry folks. I know I havent been updating but I've found that I no longer require the internet full stop so..

Only joking.

Things;

1)Went to the Finnish border about a month ago to a place called Sortavala. Except, we didnt go to the town (which is apparently full of drug addicts and whores according to my host), no, we actually went to a former quarry!

Thats right kids, a former quarry, the stone of which was actually used to build 'parts' of petersburg. Indeed, parts! It was actually kind of interesting, seeing the big pond etc, and at the end we got to go on rowing boats around it. What wasnt cool was the 8 hour round trip there and back on what Russians call 'roads'.

However, I had a beer at the roadside cafe and everything was fine. I even visited a Finnish Lutheran Church which was under construction where they gave us tea and a cake for 2 quid.

2) I went out last week and met the man of my dreams. He's Swedish, bald, goateed, and called Jasper. Literally, we could not stop looking in eachother's eyes. We went to Petrozavodsk's premier club, Club FM, where we drank too much and danced to questionable music.

The next day, I decided that I was so hungover that a pizza was required, and arranged to meet a friend in town. I go to the bus stop, minding my own business waiting for the number one, when suddenly a pissed 50-odd-year old man approaches me and asks something in russian. I believe he asked for a lighter. I did not have such an item.

At which point, confusion ensued. He proceeds to rabbit off in Russian, and starts to get angry. I repeat the fact that I dont have a lighter and move off to the other end of the bus stop slowly.
He takes this well, or so I thought. 15 seconds later, he's wandering around drunkly and stuff and then what I think is by accident, knocks into me. I ask him if he's ok.

He chooses not to reply, and then keeps on falling into me again and again. I go and stand at the other of the bus stop, starting to get worried. Pissed old man stumbles over to me again, and proceeds to start charging at me with his head. I'm quite confused at this point and theres no one else at the bus stop apart from this girl who really really really doesnt want to know.

The 'head charging' stops and regains his balance and stands next to me. He then punches me in the stomach. Not very hard, mind you, but noticeable.

The epiphany then approaches with all the Joycean hallmarks. It appears he wants to have a fight, and all this 'foreplay' has been leading up to this moment.

At which point, I walk away down Chapaeva (a really big road) to the next bus stop as I'm now very worried. About 20 metres down, I look back again and he's stumbling into a taxi. Good, I think, he's going to fuck off home.

10 seconds later, the taxi pulls up 10 yards in front of me and the pissed guy gets out and shouts at me 'Idi Syuda!!!!!!' (literally, come (informal imperative) here (accusative form of here)).

I then decide that its time to run as obviously its not going to end well if I 'idi cyuda' for him. I run across chapaeva (its like a fucking dual-carriageway) over to my neck of the woods and towards 'my' kiosk, believing that a)everything will be alright when I'm on home turf b)he'll probably not be able to keep up with me(not that I'm fast, I'm just not pissed).

But no, he follows me, over fucking Chapaeva and down the road towards my particular dom. I'm running down one of the main roads of Petrozavodsk during the day with a pissed 50 year old following me. After about 30 seconds of running, I look back, and he's disappeared.

I go back to the bus stop, and get on the bus into town. End of.

I'm back in 15 days, and I'm going for a fucking curry.

Friday 10 October 2008

christ.

the past week = mental.
so we'll start at the start.

Last Friday, we meet as usual in the park by the lake for good times. We play charades with the Russians. Hilarity ensues. It is as normal.

But then, at 11 o'clock, my friend Izzy gets a call from her newly-adopted mother asking if she wants to go to Petersburg tomorrow morning. I am also invited. We drunkenly say yes. Go home about 1, off my tits etc.

6 am next day I get a call 'Tom are you still coming to SPB? We're going now.'
Still halfcut, I say yes. Meet family in car fucked off tits. We go to Piter in the Qashqai.


5 hours later we arrive in the suburbs. What was the plan, you may ask. Taking in some of the world renowned sights of Petersburg? The northern bridge between Asia and Europe supposedly... Peter the Great's European masterpiece, which houses some of the world's treasures in art and what not.... Oh no. We went shoppping in the suburbs. We went to Ikea. In Russia. In Petersburg. Pissed out of my face.

So we arrive, and me and Izzy are taken to a fairly big mall. I mean, like I didnt think malls were bigger than this. And we shop. Went to an underground market thing. At about 12, we're by a kiosk and Sasha suddenly has a brain wave. Goes to the kiosk and comes back with 4 cans of gin and tonic. He has a small one, he's driving.

Then its decided that we want to go to the really really really big mall. So we take the free bus. However, in the crush (serious crush) to get on the bus, someone nicks my phone out my pocket. Essentially, I was pickpocketed. Yes, thats right. I was pickpocketed. It happened to me.

Luckily, the little shit only took my phone. So it's all gravy.

We arrive at the huge mall. And we go to IKEA. And then we get more drink and get told off by the security guard for drinking on the premises. And then we shop more, get some provisions and set off home at 7.

About half-way there, it is decided that its time to eat. So we get out of the car, in the middle of a forest. In Russia. And I make a toast to friendship in Russian whilst drinking 'cognac'. Also told a joke, which they loved (mainly the swearing).

The next day, I'm taken to the megafon office to get a new sim card, phone etc. Then we go back to theirs and carry on drinking. It is decided that me and their currently absent son, Sergei, who's currently in the army, will be great friends. Also that me and Sasha are playing football soon, and that we are going for a haircut as well (mullet).




Last night, me and Izzy are walking back to the perevalka (where we live) and who pulls up just as we're getting to hers but Sasha and Marianna Petrovna. I am instantly invited inside (despite the fact I want to go home) and we start drinking this cognac that Sasha's bought.

4 drinks later, we've finished the bottle. So me and Sasha go the supermarket to get more. But we dont just get more cognac, we get cognac, balsam (their local drink), more salad and massive tub of ice cream. And we get home via the mobile dance party that is their Nissan Qashqai, and carry on. Bearing in mind the fact that I've had 2 days off uni from a cold, I was fairly drunk by this point. At 11 however, the fun stops because Izzy was going to Petersburg again, and therefore needed to be taken to the station. I'm walked home by Sasha with the dog, Hilary.

However, this morning I felt amazing. Tomorrow, haircut.

Monday 6 October 2008

Friday 26 September 2008

mmm tasty cabbage?

I will tackle possible the most contentious issue first.

Babsuns.


Up till now, I have been unable to get in and out of the flat as I pleased due to the fact that she didnt trust me with the alarm (and I didnt want to piss her off cos she's mean). This situation climaxed on monday when I waited for an hour for her to return (until 6), at which point I had phoned more than several times to which there was no reply.

I was subsequently invited to a friends house, where I met her 'parents' Sasha and Marina Petrovna. they found the fact that I was a vegetarian hilarious, and proceeded to ask if I was sure I didnt want some soup (which had a lot of meat in), then boozed me.

At about half 9 it turned out that babsuns was home, so I could go back. I was driven home in Sasha's car. the journey went as follows;

1) walk out to sasha's car, he's walking the dog (hilary)

2) dog runs off, generally dicking about. sasha = angry, ('Sit in the car Tom, SIT IN THE CAR!'). a friend with a moustache approaches, rather worried and talking rapidly down the phone po-russki. he grabs the dog and chucks in the back of the car. then comes in the car and turns on loud dance music for me and asks that I wait 5 minutes while he talks to his mate.

3) loud dance music for 5 minutes.

4) Sasha and friend with moustache get in the car and we start to drive very quickly along the most potholey roads imaginable.

5) Sasha stops, and him and friend get out and go into this abandoned looking warehouse. Sasha comes back to keep watch. all whilst in the pitch black. leather jackets.

6) friend with moustache comes out with package, and then says thank you. walks off into the night with package.

7) Sasha drives me home.

It was slightly ropey, let me tell you.

When I finally got back in, it turned out that Raisa had been ringing petersburg, so she had her different sim in. didnt really seem to care. gave me some cabbage and an ice cream as compensation.


This week I have also managed to see Mamma Mia at the cinema. Dubbed in russian, it was surreal, at best. also highly enjoyable with a premixed gin-and-tonic out of a bottle (petrol).

Also went to a classical concert last night, felt very russian.
Am going to try and make a curry tonight.

Tuesday 16 September 2008

the 16th

well I've been watching russian telly, and let me tell you - there is not a lot of difference. It's just like ours, but on speed.

Several examples;

i) I watched their X-Factor equivalent (trans. 1 minute), and I saw two contestants. One, a teacher in her late 30s from Siberia, whose piece started with a midi soundtrack. She's sitting by a table and her son in a waiter's outfit comes over and pours her a glass of wine. This she then placed on her forehead and began a slow dance around the stage, proceeding into a strange striptease-like series of maneouvres without a lot of grace.

They fucking loved it.

ii) The next contestant, Andrei from Moscow Oblast'. This young man, mulleted and well dressed, plays the accordion. He decided that this was a talent that the world needed to see. He was literally like Slash, but with a polka style rhythm played very fast and all the moves.

Again, they loved it. They wanted more.

iii) 'Zhdi Menia' - Wait for Me. Basically a reality show about people trying to find lost loved ones, but which my babushka decided was hilarious. Lots of midi tunes, people crying etc. At the end of which was an anti-paedophilia commerical, an extremely realistic and graphic anti paedophilia commericial.
The babushka found that less funny. It was rather uncomfortable.

Also went to a the Kizhi island this weekend, on a hydrofoil (lime green). It was really cool, just like something out of 19th century literature.

You can buy gin and tonic in a can (80p). You can buy a bottle of stolichnaia for 4 pounds.



All in all, a great couple of days. I really wish I could upload photos.

Tuesday 9 September 2008

lololol

Well, I've found the internet cafe. And it is amazing.

Not.

But anyway - I went to this german beer bar the other day and it was amazing. I had a local beer and it was sweeeet.

I dont think I'll be able to upload photos as there is an absence of USB ports ont the two computers I;ve used so far but we'll see. Currently the bab is being well gay and has tried to forbide alcohol. I've decided to fight fire with fire on this one, all out nuclear war.

Its been really sunny the past few days and its picturesque frankly. I've already finished to Kill a Mockingbird, when on saturday I was left locked in the house for five fucking hours while she went to the shops. I really need to sort her out. But have now started Ulysses, which is interesting.

Unfortunately, not alot has happened this weekend. Mainly because not alot happens in Petrozavodsk. Although I am going to a weird old island this weekend where theres all these wooden buildings and stuff (google Kizhi if you're interested). So yeah.

I swear sometimes it feels like a third world country, when I went out on sunday into town, there was a group of fellas drunkenly carousing outside the 'off license' (metal shack) on the way to the bus stop. They were also 'playing' with dogs, mainly in the form of swearing at them whilst trying to kick them. Great stuff. The ballet it wasn't.

Going to send my first letter this week, so hopefully that will reach one of (it will be a surprise). I imagine alot of content found here will have been reproduced there.

nu tak, poka-poka.

Saturday 6 September 2008

holy shit batman

so this is my first post from russia. I'm currently sitting in Raisa Iakovlevna's (the lady I'm staying with) living room with a computer from circa 2001 (which I've managed to connect to the internet).

I'm now finally in Petrozavodsk, which is er nice, after flying to Riga, training it to Petersburg and then another overnighter to Petrozavodsk. I didn't sleep properly for 3 days, and some points I was so tired I nearly slept in a park (I didn't).

Riga is boring, I mean, really boring - I advise everyone never to go there. There's a nice old towny bit but its quite small. My mate John who I travelled with recommended Vilnius (in Lithuania) instead as its less touristy and theres more old stuff.

Now- onto the good stuff. My first day in Russia was possibly the scariest day of my life, apart from the first day at school, but with more people shouting at you in Russia. I think me and John got told off at least 5 times, maybe 6, between us (various things like not having exact change, going the wrong way, making eye contact etc - for example when I asked to go to Ladozkskii Train Station, the lady behind the window looked at me as if I'd shat on a kitten). Indeed, customer service and politeness are not big things over here. I mean - really not. But once you've been shouted at by a scary old lady with a hairy face in the fastest Russian possible several times, you get over it. I've developed a look to give them when they do this.

Petersburg was scary as hell, but incredibly beautiful in the 'historic centre' (photos to come). We saw the Church of the Spilled Blood (which is what you see on postcards, and is phenomenal) and the Kazanskii Cathedral, the main bits and pieces. Literally an area of 5 square miles I reckon is just those massive buildings you probably saw in Goldeneye with the bit in the tank. Cool as.

The train to Petrozavodsk is potentially the sweatiest travel experience I've ever had. The provodnitsas (stewards) would continually close the windows we opened (they have their reasons) and the doors to our cabins, creating small, private and uncomfortable furnaces for us to sleep in.

We arrived in Petro at 7am, at which point we were introduced to our khoizyainkas (housewives) and we were taken away to our respective homes. Again with the hyperbole, but have never felt so apprehensive as we hurtled towards Raisa's house in a banged up taxi at half 7 in the morning. The plethora of potholes and small wooden cabins I saw on the way there did little to alleviate the fear.

The entrance to our block was not a surprise, it smells like piss and b.o. with a slight hint of butter. Someone from my course here has defined it as the 'smell of Russia'. I think she's probably right.

Thats it for now.

ta
t

Sunday 31 August 2008

in the beginning

hello - this is a blog. I've just realised I should've called it Coles Corner. Shit.

Oh well, this is mainly for me to break the mould and like every other year abroad student talk about cultural differences and funny things that happen to me while I'm in Russia.

I blame Hartland.

see you.

ps - I still think Danny should form a band called the Hot Hot Hartlands.

also tom is an astonishingly good dancer. seriously, heads turned on the floor of the Bull's Head and Kavanagh's.