Sunday, 16 November 2008

I know - I've neglected you in the past but...

Sorry folks. I know I havent been updating but I've found that I no longer require the internet full stop so..

Only joking.


1)Went to the Finnish border about a month ago to a place called Sortavala. Except, we didnt go to the town (which is apparently full of drug addicts and whores according to my host), no, we actually went to a former quarry!

Thats right kids, a former quarry, the stone of which was actually used to build 'parts' of petersburg. Indeed, parts! It was actually kind of interesting, seeing the big pond etc, and at the end we got to go on rowing boats around it. What wasnt cool was the 8 hour round trip there and back on what Russians call 'roads'.

However, I had a beer at the roadside cafe and everything was fine. I even visited a Finnish Lutheran Church which was under construction where they gave us tea and a cake for 2 quid.

2) I went out last week and met the man of my dreams. He's Swedish, bald, goateed, and called Jasper. Literally, we could not stop looking in eachother's eyes. We went to Petrozavodsk's premier club, Club FM, where we drank too much and danced to questionable music.

The next day, I decided that I was so hungover that a pizza was required, and arranged to meet a friend in town. I go to the bus stop, minding my own business waiting for the number one, when suddenly a pissed 50-odd-year old man approaches me and asks something in russian. I believe he asked for a lighter. I did not have such an item.

At which point, confusion ensued. He proceeds to rabbit off in Russian, and starts to get angry. I repeat the fact that I dont have a lighter and move off to the other end of the bus stop slowly.
He takes this well, or so I thought. 15 seconds later, he's wandering around drunkly and stuff and then what I think is by accident, knocks into me. I ask him if he's ok.

He chooses not to reply, and then keeps on falling into me again and again. I go and stand at the other of the bus stop, starting to get worried. Pissed old man stumbles over to me again, and proceeds to start charging at me with his head. I'm quite confused at this point and theres no one else at the bus stop apart from this girl who really really really doesnt want to know.

The 'head charging' stops and regains his balance and stands next to me. He then punches me in the stomach. Not very hard, mind you, but noticeable.

The epiphany then approaches with all the Joycean hallmarks. It appears he wants to have a fight, and all this 'foreplay' has been leading up to this moment.

At which point, I walk away down Chapaeva (a really big road) to the next bus stop as I'm now very worried. About 20 metres down, I look back again and he's stumbling into a taxi. Good, I think, he's going to fuck off home.

10 seconds later, the taxi pulls up 10 yards in front of me and the pissed guy gets out and shouts at me 'Idi Syuda!!!!!!' (literally, come (informal imperative) here (accusative form of here)).

I then decide that its time to run as obviously its not going to end well if I 'idi cyuda' for him. I run across chapaeva (its like a fucking dual-carriageway) over to my neck of the woods and towards 'my' kiosk, believing that a)everything will be alright when I'm on home turf b)he'll probably not be able to keep up with me(not that I'm fast, I'm just not pissed).

But no, he follows me, over fucking Chapaeva and down the road towards my particular dom. I'm running down one of the main roads of Petrozavodsk during the day with a pissed 50 year old following me. After about 30 seconds of running, I look back, and he's disappeared.

I go back to the bus stop, and get on the bus into town. End of.

I'm back in 15 days, and I'm going for a fucking curry.

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